All In

One of the realities that has hit me since the fateful night we lost you is just how much faith your mother and I exhibited in God's plan...the plan of salvation...the night we allowed you to pass. I don't say that in a prideful way, but rather in a very humble and wishful way. You see, we exercised so much faith in the plan of salvation that night, that we effectively went "all in" to use a betting term. In other words, we took everything that was important to us and staked it upon the truthfulness of the plan. We held nothing back. All our valuables were on the table and part of the bet. We staked everything upon our faith in the reality of the plan of salvation. In a very real way we bet your life on the plan's truthfulness.

Since then the reality of our actions have hit me hard, and sometimes I'm left wondering...questioning.

You see I'm a normal person, son. I believe in God and that He created all we behold. I have faith that Jesus Christ was His only begotten son and that His atonement makes it possible for us to return to His presence. I live the gospel principles as much as anyone I know. And while I've made mistakes in the past (some of them very grievous), I've always repented and tried to improve.

But part of being a normal person is having imperfect faith. Do I have faith? Yes. Is my faith strong? Absolutely. Do I use my faith to influence my thoughts, words and actions in a positive way? All the time. But when asked the question "Is your faith such that you'd bet your son's life on it?" I hesitate. I'm not sure my faith is up to par on that one. I'm not sure I was ready to go all in so soon. Part of me wishes I had been given more time to develop my faith before I was asked to stake everything on it.

But here I am. I've already made the bet. I've already staked your life on my faith that the plan of salvation is real. And while my faith in the plan is as strong as it's ever been, I'm not 100% sure it's strong enough.

And to complicate things further, there are natural consequences of the 'bet' your mother and I made (it sounds superficial to call it that, but it's actually a really good description: we believed in something so strongly that we were willing to stake our most valuable treasures in it even when others actively didn't believe in it). One such consequence is that just as we went all in on the plan of salvation, we are now also totally 100% invested in the gospel of Jesus Christ as restored thru the prophet Joseph Smith. No other faith will reunite us with you. The old adage about not putting all your eggs in one basket is out the door now. All our eggs are in the same basket. No diversification.

Another consequence is that even if everything pans out (the bet is won, there truly is life after death and we are reunited with you), our ability to remain with you depends entirely upon our ability to make it to the Celestial Kingdom, for that is where you've already gained access. In other words, if we miss the mark by even a little bit...if we let our weaknesses get the best of us...if we don't try hard enough to overcome the natural man...if we don't completely and fully repent of all our wrongdoings and become 'perfect' as Christ commanded us, then we will not have the chance to remain with you.

While this is the case for all families (they can't be together forever unless they are faithful), it takes on added importance for us, because it's not just being with you forever that's at stake. What's also at stake is us just getting to know you. Most families accomplish that here on the earth. They spend time with each other. They do activities, they go on vacation, etc and in the process they come to know one another. But you were taken from us before we truly got to know you. While we were given some insight into your character during the short time you were with us, we didn't spend nearly enough time with you to truly become familiar with you (at least not as much as we'd like). And if we ever want to have the opportunity, we must live worthily. If we don't, then we're out of luck.

Yes, we're all in now son. And it scares the hell out of me sometimes.

With Love,
Your Father