Not Getting It

One of the things I've learned since your passing is that some people have no idea how traumatizing it is to lose one's child to death. While it's true that most people don't truly understand how painful such a loss really is, most people are empathetic and at least show some deference when dealing with such a delicate situation...they at least try to be respectful. But then there are others who seem not only to have no idea of the pain and sorrow I'm dealing with, but they actually take their ignorance a step further and exhibit a severe lack of respect. I've come to the conclusion that for whatever reason these people just don't get it. Maybe it's their lack of empathy for others. Maybe it's their inability to grasp things until they experience them firsthand. Or maybe it's that these peoples' view of reality is so distorted that they cannot accurately comprehend how severe such a loss can be (and how disruptive it can be to one's life).

I share two examples. The first was an individual I talked to a few months ago who actually tried to argue the viewpoint that you weren't really dead. Her reasoning was that because of the reality of life after death and as a result of Christ's victory over the grave, nobody really dies. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?! While I understand the intellectual argument this individual was trying to make, her reasoning was offensive, cruel and lacked the basic civility and respect that a grieving parent would hope for (almost expect) from others.

Believe me, I understand the reality of life after death more than most. Me and your mother's experience during your passing galvanized our faith on that topic. Likewise, I fully comprehend the importance and gravity of Christ's victory over the grave. I am more thankful for it than most as my ability to be with you depends entirely upon it. But to use these points to try and argue that death is not a reality is not only inaccurate, it's just wrong.

While Christ's victory assures our eventual reunion, I must live the rest of my natural life without you first. While the "sting" of death may have been removed, death remains a fact of life and ever will. Her argument offended me on a very deep level because it totally unjustified all of the pain and heartache that I feel. After all, if you aren't really "dead" then my pain and suffering for your loss are unnecessary...I shouldn't be grieving at all!

Well guess what. I AM grieving...deeply. At times your absence is so poignant that I wonder how I will make it until it's my turn to make the journey across the veil.

The second example comes from an individual I spoke with a few days ago. This individual became frustrated with me because I am "the only person she knows that never smiles" and because I "don't laugh at her jokes." She seemed to believe that everything in my life was A-OK...so why wasn't I smiling and laughing like all the other people she knows? SERIOUSLY!?! I'm sorry, did you not hear the news that MY SON IS DEAD!

The translation of this is that everything in my life is not A-OK. There's not much to smile about these days. And I really don't feel like laughing at your senseless jokes. I mean, come on! I now realize that my ability to get to know you at all (in any way) is entirely dependent on my living worthily enough to make it to the place where you've already gained access. I must get to the Celestial Kingdom. If I end up missing the mark (for whatever reason or in any capacity) I won't be with you, I will never get to know you. So people will have to excuse me if the most important thing in my life right now isn't laughing at their jokes or smiling incessantly.

If you ask me, any parent who has lost a child should be given a social pass that allows them to have as many bad days they want for the rest of their lives. They shouldn't be required to take part in the social norms that other people are subjected to. If they don't want to smile then they shouldn't be expected to. If they don't feel like laughing or joking around, then nobody should think anything of it. After all, once death has stolen one of your children, you've earned the right to skip these silly gestures.

These people just don't seem to get it. And while most people don't truly 'get it' the vast majority at least try. They try to empathize with me. They show respect for my loss. They honor your memory when they share their heartfelt condolences and they help me grieve when they offer simply to grieve with me. But those who don't get it frustrate me with their ignorance.

With Love,
Your Father