Six (Long) Months

Well son, today marks a somber occassion for us. Six months ago today your mother and I held you in our arms and witnessed your journey from this life to the next. Since that fateful night I've relived that experience countless times. As we held you and saw your breathing slow and your heart rate drop, every instinct inside of me was screaming "Make it stop!". Several times without thinking I nearly ran to get the doctors to revive you. after all, that's what's supposed to happen when one's child is dieing...that's what we had done several times before when your breathing had slowed. Yet my instintics that morning to do whatever was necessary to keep you alive were tempered by the certain knowledge your mother and I had received only minutes earlier that we were supposed to let you go. I say 'certain knowledge' but really it was more of a spiritual feeling that what was happening was correct. So although my mind and instincts were raging in overdrive to bring you back, my heart and spirit took control and subdued them just long enough for you to complete your journey. Since then, there have been times when my mind and instincts have seemingly quieted the spiritual knowledge we received that night and I have questioned our decision. Thankfully I'm spiritually mature enough to know that one of the ways God works with us mortals is to give us wonderfully powerful spiritual experiences and then to pull back for a time and see if we will exercise faith in the experiences we just had. I've tried to remember that and exercise faith in the answer your mother and I received that night. Although I may at times question our decision now, when we were there in the moment then we knew that God had answered our prayer.

The ensuing six months since your death have been...put bluntly, like hell on earth. I'd love to be able to say that we have fully trusted in the Lord and that all was OK since your passing. But that's not the case. The truth is that your absence has caused a lot of havoc and stress in our family. Your big sister, Alexis, struggles to understand the concepts of death and resurrection. She still doesn't fully grasp that you're gone and that she will not see you again for the rest of her mortal life. Your mother sometimes is so overcome with grief that there are no tears to cry. Other nights she cries herself to sleep out of sadness and longing. And I, your father, have struggled to keep my own life in order as I attempt to place your short life and death into my concept of the gospel and its truthfulness. I guess you could say that we're all struggling, each of us in our own ways and according to our own schedules. Somehow in the midst of it all we try to remain a cohesive family unit. Sometimes we're successful at doing so...other times not so much. All that really can be said is that we've made it this far. It feels as if that's an accomplishment in and of itself.

When viewed from a spiritual perspective, it comes as no coincidence that today we finally heard back from the genetics team we've been working with. They had gone thru the process of examining all of your medical records and trying to determine what (if any) testing could be done ex-post-facto to try and find out exactly what form of the disorder affected you (partially so we could know for certain why you died and partially to help our future children). Several months ago we met with them, discussed the options and decided which of them we would purse. The only remaining item was payment. Thru the generosity of good friends and loving family, we had raised the full amount necessary to cover the cost ourselves if need be, but we decided to coordinate with our health insurance company in the hopes that they might assist in some small manner. We weren't very hopeful though, genetic testing is almost never covered by insurance companies for a variety of reasons. But we heard back today that our insurance company has agreed to cover 80% of the cost of all the testing. Your mother and I are conviced that God deliberately chose this day (the six month anniversary of your death) to have this news come to light as confirmation to us.

It's a confirmation of a lot of things...for one, it's a reaffirmation that you were called back to His presence and that we were right to let you go. Two, its a reaffirmation that He's kept us here in Syracuse (and working for the same company, thus having the same insurance) for a reason. You see, since graduating I've applied to countless jobs with no success (but with a lot of frustration on my part). With today's news, a good portion of that frustration melts away. Third, it's a sign to us that our chosen course of action is what God would have us do. In meeting with the genetics team, we had several options of how to pursue the testing (as well as what testing to pursue). We chose prayerfully and deliberately but did wonder (to some degree) if we had made the right choice. Now we know that we did.

While the pas six months have been like hell on earth, we're grateful for the support our God has offered us. My views of our Heavenly Father have changed since your passing. I no longer see Him as the Father who nervously stands over His children and holds their hand thru every little bump they encounter. I now see Him as a Father who exercises as much faith and confidence in His children as He hopes they will exercise in Him. He has given us the tools and capacity we need and He expects us to live our lives faithfully despite any and all challenges that arise. He expects us to find our own solutions to problems. Yet all the while He makes Himself available to those who need their hands held and doesn't become impatient with them. I've resolved to live my life more faithfully and rely on Him more by not expecting Him to solve all of my problems. Instead I will use the tools and capacity He has given me to 'work out [my] own salvation' and trust that He will make up the difference. I know that sounds like an oxymoron (relying on Him more by needing less help), but to those who understand the spiritual concepts involved it's perfectly in line with the gospel Jesus taught.

I love you son. I miss you.

Your Father