Subjugation

Since your passing I've struggled with many things. I've had to wade through the disappointment of losing my only son. I've had to fight thru the fear of never having a male heir to carry on my name and legacy. I've had to deal with the emptiness I now find in the place that you once occupied. Yet thru all of this, the biggest challenge I've had (the thing that's kept me up countless nights and been the cause of innumerable tears) is the wrestling I've done to try and understand the fateful decision your mother and I made the night you passed away.

As I reflect upon that night the emotions are very raw. I cannot recall those memories without actually feeling like I am back in that situation...sitting next to your bed, the sounds of the machines pumping oxygen into your enclosure, the movement of your chest as your lungs desperately sought for the air your body needed. As these memories come back to me (which they often do) I sometimes find myself questioning the decision we made - the decision which ended your life. I find myself questioning whether our decision was really God's will. Sometimes I even find myself regretting our decision...wanting to go back to that night and do whatever was necessary to keep you here with us.

Despite the clarity of the answer we received in response to our prayer, the byproduct (your death) naturally causes me to question it. Even though the moment when you actually crossed the line from this life to the next was very spiritual, it was immediately followed by severe pain and anguish...much deeper than anything I had ever experienced. Somehow that night Brittany and I were able to subjugate our desires to the will of our Father. I'm not sure how we did it. We took what we wanted (your continued presence with us) and we gave it God. Then we asked that He tell us what HE wanted. There was an obvious discrepancy between the two, but somehow we had the faith to implement His will above our own. It was so hard to do...and it's caused us so much pain.

One of the things that helps me thru this particular struggle is consider what most likely would have transpired had we chosen our way instead of Gods. Inevitably this line leads to a continuation of your suffering. And because you had already fulfilled your purpose here on this earth, it would have been needless (unnecessary) suffering. Although I hate the fact that you're gone, the one thing even less desirable than your absence would be a continuation of your suffering needlessly. Subjugating our desires to God's will was the hardest thing I've ever done. The decision that night was the most difficult I've ever had to make. I knew it was right, but I also knew it was the more difficult of the two options. Somehow we got it right.

Now I am trying to once again place God's will above my own. You see, we've been trying to get a better job for months (or even years depending on how you measure it) with no luck. If you look at it all on paper it doesn't make sense. I have the education necessary to move up. I have the experience necessary as well. I also have the contacts, resume and demeanor that should make the application and interview process smooth and seamless. Yet every time we've gotten close to securing a higher position in a new area, some small thing has come along and derailed our hopes. When you became sick it became very evident to us that the reasoning up until that point was because God had purposefully kept us here in Syracuse. I mean, if we had just moved to a new state/city (or were in the process of moving) when you entered the hospital, we may not have survived. God, in His infinite wisdom knew that and intentionally kept us here (where we had close friends and contacts that could help support us) so that this trial would be made manageable.

Since your passing we have once again sought out other employment positions elsewhere. I'm tired of having to work two jobs to support our family. I'm tired of having to work 60 to 70 hours per week just to make ends meat here in Syracuse. I'm frustrated that your mother has to work to help pay the bills, especially considering that I have the ability and capability to provide for us on my own. I would love to secure a better paying position in a place where we can buy a home and put down some roots. Yet the process has gone the same as before...as if God is still trying to keep us here. We get so close, and then things fall apart just as before. Does He want us here longer? Perhaps we are supposed to remain in Syracuse while we complete the genetic testing? If that's the case, which do I want more: to secure a better position so we can settle down as a family or to stay here working my tail end off until the testing is complete? In other words, am I willing to stick it out here in Syracuse for another while if that's what's best for my family even though it's the harder of the two options? Can I once again place God's will for my family above my own?

I'm trying desperately to subjugate my will to God's as I did before...

With Love,
Your Father