Getting the Best of Me

This year has been one of memories and flashbacks. As the days have rolled on I have found my mind and emotions instinctively reverting back to the occurrences of last year, many times on the same dates they occurred.

During this year's first weeks of May I remembered Brittany’s pregnancy with you last year. I recalled so many memories of the things we did, the places we went and the anticipation we felt. On May 18^th I remembered how Alexis and I were at the church doing a service project when Brittany called to say the time had arrived. I recalled that night in the hospital when you officially joined our family. I remembered the deep sense of fulfillment we felt as a family at that time. We felt complete and whole...satisfied.

As the days continued to come this year I found myself constantly being distracted by the memories of our lives last year. “I wonder what we were doing at this very moment last year?” I often asked myself. “Was I with Drew or did I let other priorities take me away?” I’m ashamed that the answer to the latter question was all too often that I was elsewhere. I deeply regret every second I spent away from you. Even though I was away only for the purposes of supporting our family, serving in my church callings and trying to help us get ahead in life...I still regret it.

During the past year I often found myself sitting in the same chair late at night that you and I used to occupy so that Brittany could get a few hours of sleep. I've recalled exactly how I would hold you during those nights. I've remembered how I would talk to you as if you could understand me, even though I knew you couldn’t. I've remembered the deep sense of love and joy I felt during those moments with you.

As July 24^th arrived this year I found myself reliving the first episode we had with you. The horror became real again as we visited and laid flowers at the site where we pulled over and got you out of the car only to see the life drain from your body. The terror of your second episode came back as August 2^nd rolled around. I recalled exactly where we laid you on the carpet as your breathing again waned and stopped. I remembered checking you into the hospital for the second time that night and wondering what was happening to our family.

It was around this time (this year...2012) that the memories began to be much more than just memories. The best way I can describe it is that the memories turned into flashbacks. It was no longer me remembering the events of last year...instead I was mentally and emotionally reliving them as if they were occurring a second time. August 5^th was a bad day this year...it was the day of your MRI last year. I experienced anew the feelings of utter failure as I learned that something serious had happened to you. I relived this year each day in the hospital with you and each procedure you underwent by reading the daily notes that Brittany took during your stay.

There were many nights this year when I would awaken in the middle of the night and for a brief moment actually believe that I was back in the sleep room at the hospital. During these times I fully believed that I could get up, walk down the hall and be with you again. A deep sense of sadness would fill me each time I realized that I was actually at home. I spent several sleepless nights in quiet tears after these instances.

All of this culminated in the evening of August 26^th, the night everything changed last year. That night for me this year was every bit as difficult. Last year, as Brittany and I bowed our heads and prayed at your bedside the heavens were opened to us and the spirituality we experienced was too sacred to fully write about. My experience this year was no different. As I knelt and prayed at 1:30am on August 27^th it was as if the heavens were once again opened to me. I experienced things of a spiritual nature that I’m not yet prepared to write about.

There are only two times in my life when my emotions have gotten the best of me: 1:30am on August 27^th, 2011 and 1:30am on August 27^th, 2012. Although both times were preceded by wonderfully spiritual experiences that were so profound I haven’t been able to fully share them with anyone yet, they were immediately followed with overwhelming sorrow and grief. It seems to sweep over me as a tidal wave. I seem completely incapable of standing against it. In an intimate way I have come to understand what the word ‘weep’ really means.

With Love,

Your Father