Inner Turmoil

Drew,

I had an epiphany recently that I would like to share with you. I've struggled over the past several months to try and identify why your death has been (and continues to be) so difficult for me. While I realize that the process of death generally is hard for people and losing one's own child is especially difficult (some people never recover from such an experience), your death has had a more pronounced effect on me than I ever thought possible. It has changed me in ways that I had not previously considered. Indeed, it has changed everything about me and the way that I live my life.

After much deep introspection and quiet pondering, a profound realization has come to me. I hope that I can briefly explain it in an understandable way...

There is a Chinese concept called 'Chi'. Chi is the concept that there are positive energies constantly flowing around and inside of us. This concept counsels people to accept this flow of energy and let it transform their existence. For example, when designing one's living space Chi dictates that all sharp corners and hard edges be removed so as to not restrict the flow of the Chi energy. Instead rounded surfaces are desirable because they allow the Chi to flow uninterrupted. Likewise, Chi states that in living one's life a person should be accepting of the conditions of the universe and live in harmony and peace with the world around them. Emotions such as anger and jealousy restrict the movement of Chi inside one's being and should thus be avoided.

There is a similar concept taught by the English writer Shakespeare in the play Hamlet. In this play, Polonius' son Laertes is rushing to catch the next boat to Paris when Polonuis says to him "This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man." Polonius' counsel to Laertes is that he live his life in a manner consistent with himself. This concept is akin to the Chinese concept of living according to the concept of Chi.

Even in the gospel of Jesus Christ is this concept taught. In the third chapter of Mark, when the scribes accused Jesus of using the "prince of devils" to cast out devils Christ responded by asking them, "How can Satan cast out Satan?" Then he shared this timeless wisdom with them, "If a kingdom be divided against itself, that kingdom cannot stand. And if a house be divided against itself, that house cannot stand." Once again the similarities between this statement, Polonius' counsel to Laertes and the Chinese concept of Chi are striking. Christ is telling the scribes that if a person lives his or her life in such a way that they are conflicted with themself, then they "cannot stand".

The reason I share these three related points is because the realization I've achieved is that I'm not at peace with your passing. I have not yet accepted your death. I am conflicted. On the one hand, I have full faith that God called you back to His holy presence that fateful night. On the other hand I find myself incapable of accepting this. Thus, one of the primary reasons why your death has caused so much turmoil in my life (aside from the mourning and grieving processes) is because it has pitted myself against myself. I am currently living in such a way that I am disrupting the Chi inside and outside of me. I'm am not living my life so as to be "true" to myself. I am a man divided against himself.

I know that this may sound silly to some, but at a very deep level it describes me. There is inner turmoil in me that cannot be adequately or fully described. This turmoil arises out of my internal conflict: trying to accept and be at peace with your death, but finding myself wholly unable to do so.

With Love,
Your Father