Pride, Joy and Friendship

As I learned of Brittany's pregnancy and that the forthcoming child was to be a boy I could not have been more excited. While I love you sister Alexis every bit as much as I love you, I must admit that I had long desired to have a son. While I spoke of this briefly in your eulogy, I feel I should explain it more fully here so that you may understand it more completely.

You see son, throughout my life I've always been a fairly quiet and reserved person. Some people feel that I developed this way as a consequence of being the youngest of ten children (that my natural role within the family became that of the observer and that this spilled over into other aspects of my life). Others feel that it's my inherent personality that I brought with me from the pre-mortal existence. Whatever its roots, this aspect of my personality has meant that I've never really had close friends

Growing up thru elementary school I was the class clown. Back then the studies were so easy for me that I had no intellectual challenges. Because everyone loves the class clown, I was casual friends with everybody but not really close to anyone. As I moved on to middle school I found my studies more challenging (so studying occupied a larger portion of my time) and the bullies of the school seemed somehow universally attracted to me. As a natural consequence I had no friends during this period. As high school ensued I first casually acquainted myself with the 'wrong crowd' but then jumped ship partway thru to become casual friends with people who were a much better influence. During this period I started my first full-time job as well so my free time disappeared. The result once again was casual acquaintances but no real friends. While serving as a missionary I found the companionships to be rewarding, but I was so engrossed in the work that I had little time for bonding with my companions. As I returned home from Hong Kong I thru myself into school and work...the result: no friends and few acquaintances. Somehow I miraculously met and fell in love with your mother. But since then I have been son occupied with finishing my degrees, spending time with my family and getting ahead at work that I've left no time for friendship building. The result: few friends and few acquaintances. Do you see a pattern emerging here? I didn't even have a best man at my wedding because I had no friends that I felt could adequately fill the spot.

With your birth I was determined that my past of having few acquaintances and still fewer friends was over. I was hell-bent on making sure that my son would be my best friend. This took on added meaning for me given the dynamic between me and my own father. While he was a good father to me (he provided me with the necessities of life and taught me right from wrong) he has never been a close friend to me. I don't recall any instances where he played with me when I was younger. I can't remember him ever spending time with me outside of yard work and garden cultivation. I'm not complaining (like I said, I'm grateful that he did as much for me as he did), simply commenting that I had determined that my relationship with my son would be much different.

Thus, as you mother and I found out that you were a boy the joy exploded inside of me like an atom bomb. I have never felt so much joy and pride in my entire life. As you were born and officially joined us that joy and pride grew. I made plans for the two of us. I thought of all the things we would do together as father and son. I thought of how I would teach you (in contrast to your sister) what it means to be a man. I thought of how I would instruct you in sports (if you were interested) and how I would show you to use the priesthood properly. I was so excited to finally have a male friend with whom I could finally experience things.

Since your death I've once again ended up in the same situation as before. While I love your mother and cherish the experiences she and I have together (the same goes for Alexis) I feel very alone without you. To make matters worse, Satan has been coming at me hard in the past few weeks. At times I find myself wondering if God took you from me because I wasn't worthy enough. Maybe He looked upon my life (my weaknesses and imperfections) and determined that I was not worthy of an heir. Maybe He decided that my righteousness was not adequate to properly train you in the priesthood so He took you to spare you. Maybe I just wasn't good enough, not righteous enough and that's why God took you from me. During these moments of wondering I find myself thinking that if only I had been more righteous; if only I had followed the commandments more strictly; or if only I had done more good for more people; if only, then maybe God would have let you remain with me.

While I perceive the inherent untruth of these thoughts and feelings, I must admit that at times it's difficult to repel them. Even now I wonder if Brittany and I should have any more children at all. We've always felt that we would have at least a few children, but now after you and your short life and death...now what? And even if we do, is there any chance that God would possibly bless me with another son? Will I have someone to whom I can pass my name and legacy in this life? While that privilege and responsibility will pass to you in the eternities (after this life is over), did my family line here on earth die with you? Will I ever have a son to befriend here on this earth, someone I can spend time and memories with? Or I must I simply wait until the next life to experience that sweetness...with you?

With Love,
 Your Father